“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak” (Steven Covey)
Conversation – The Number One Skill
When asked what the number one tip for being successful with women, without hesitation I can say it is to master the art of conversation.
This does not involve improving your talking skills. Instead it involves listening – really listening. Not that mildly interested one-ear listening you do when you are trying to read the newspaper while someone is trying to talk to you. It also involves asking questions about what you hear.
One of our greatest desires is to be listened to and to be understood. Of the four skills of communication you use – speaking, listening, reading and writing – listening is the first learned, the most used and yet is the least taught. Like any other skill it can be learned, practiced and mastered. People, and women feel this more than men, are starved of appreciation and recognition. They want to be heard, so impress them – be quiet.
On the other hand being quiet does not make good listening. You must give feedback. The goal is to give the speaker the feeling of having been heard and that is a two-way process. As Ralph Waldo Emerson says “The only way to have a friend is to be a friend”.
Conversation Step 1 – Listening
When she is listened to intently, she feels important. Women want to be admired and listened to. They love to hear compliments and a few minutes of good conversation. The more listening you do the more you will be liked. In addition when you listen the more you learn.
Most men she comes across are not interested in listening.
She will judge you based on how you make her feel. Simply put, if you make her feel good, she will look forward to being in your company.
Remembering what she has said is the ultimate proof that you are listening. Remembering impresses as most men she comes across have trouble remembering her name.
Next, don’t interrupt or change the subject she is talking about. Both these things indicate you aren’t listening but are reacting to your own thoughts. In order to interrupt you need to have been thinking about what you were going to say.
Focus on what she is saying, not what you think she is saying or, even worse, what you want her to be saying!
Learn how to listen!
Conversation Step 2 – Ask Questions
If you ask a question during a conversation with a woman not only do you let her know you are listening but it is also a subtle form of flattery as it shows her that you think she is interesting.
Successfully starting a conversation is remarkably easy, simply ask an open-ended question, listen to the answer and ask a related question. The real secret is to remember that a conversation is like a journey so before setting out prepare what to talk about. You wouldn’t start on a trip without planning it!
“The wise man doesn’t give the right answers, he poses the right question”.