Recently, one of my over 40 dating coaching clients was explaining the type of guy she is looking for. This woman who is 51, successful, bright, energetic and friendly, wants a man with some passion and that certain something she can only describe as “a twinkle in his eye.”
As a dating coach, I hear things like this all the time. Certain descriptors are like neon flashing lights to me because I’ve heard them so many times. As a result, I’ve sort of caught on to a few things and “twinkle” definitely has a specific meaning.
I asked Suzanne how she feels about George Clooney. Does George have the twinkle she’s seeking? Suzanne replied “Oh yes – he’s got it!”
Just today, my client Bethany told me about a new guy she had a date with. “He’s just my type, edgy, successful and has a twinkle in his eye.” I’m not kidding. This twinkle thing is showing up all over the place, virulent and spreading like the blight that killed elm trees so many years ago. However, this blight is infecting over 40 dating, keeping many women unhappily single.
Bethany agreed with the George Clooney example. She went on to explain the “twinkling” details that suck her in over and over again. “Mark has energy, passion about his work, a brilliant mind and is so charming. Yet, he is aloof, emotionally unavailable, and hasn’t called me for a second date yet. I’m tired of men who behave this way.”
I shocked Bethany with my next comment. “Did you know that a charming man with a twinkle in his eye will always be a package deal with aloof and emotionally unavailable?” Bethany started thinking back on all the twinkling eyes she’s met and was totally taken aback. She couldn’t believe she had never put those two things together before.
If you are holding out for the George Clooney type, beware of what you really seek – a bad boy who is most likely unattainable. For whatever reason, people often want what they can’t have – it’s that much more desirable.
I suggested to both dating coaching clients that they consider other types of qualities in a man. What else could make them happy? What other personality traits would be attractive? I asked them to give this some serious thought because for them, a healthy love life depends on this discovery.
In addition, I pointed out to each woman that if she wanted to avoid wasting time with the wrong man, she may want to notice if the guy she’s dating or hoping to click with is “twinklicious.” If either one answers “yes”, she better start paying attention to red flags that crop up. Get very clear that Mr. Twinkle eye is not Mr. Right for you.
For any woman reading this article who insists on a certain type of guy, twinkle or not, I highly recommend expanding your idea of what will work for you. When a client calls me and says,” I’m dating this guy who is so different than most of the men I’ve dated.” I know something wonderful is about to happen! It’s a sure thing almost every time I get that call – they find love.
Break out of your narrow Mr. Right definition and expand your world to include men who are emotionally available and relationship ready, even if they don’t have the “twinkle.” Your love life and romantic future are hanging in the balance.